I have vivid recollections of myself at night, in my bed, doing what all teenage boys do. Not that thing, but the other thing, letting my imagination run wild. I remember composing elaborate dance acts, mythical fights with dragons and conversations with famous people, meticulously planned out in my head.
For a period of about a year I fell asleep listening to the radio (Radio 4 to be exact) I know not incredibly interesting and fun but it distracted my mind from…darker places. Not to say I had depression or anything but ideas like the finite nature of life and what happened after you died scared me.
About a month ago I lost the iPod I had been using every night. Now every night before I fall asleep I try and recreate the images and ideas I had from a year ago. I can’t do it.
My mind will create a show, but it isn’t as vivid, as colourful nor as complete. I remember creating dance numbers featuring dozens of people. I tried to imagine a simple 3-2-1 pyramid last night and my mind froze. Shapes seem darker and less defined, there seems no obvious routine. I can’t seem to get to the quality I used to create.
What has changed about me. Is it because of some twisted version of Pavlov conditioning where my brain no longer associates bedtime with imagination. Maybe my brain has lost its imagination as I’ve grown older. Maybe I have the ‘brain fog’ that Dave Asprey always seems to hark on about. Perhaps listening to podcasts 24/7 (literally) has removed all imagination and fascination in my head.
I don’t feel stupider but maybe it’s just the classic case of the frog not realising its boiling alive because the change is so subtle. Certainly my grades are better, but that might be because of me trying harder in class.
I’m not quite sure if its cognitive decline or if it’s just my brain evolving.
Or perhaps I just imagined creating all those scenarios years ago and it all never happened. The mind is a powerful tool I can create and remove memories at a whim. Like recently I was talking to a girl from my P7 class. She told me that on the first day I met her, I drew her a picture of a racecar and asked her what she thought of it. I had no recollection of this moment, or even of most of P7, honestly I don’t think my memory is that good either.
Or perhaps its all my brain and I was given too many mental barriers as a child and I will now have to proceed in taking them down.
Whatever the case I’m still going to be trying to recreate those spectacular visions in my imagination every night.