“Ask and you shall receive” is how I believe the quote goes.
Writing this perched on my high chair. Quite literally in fact, my violin teacher has been renovating his flat and the only available chair is a small step ladder that I now perch on. The renovation is a little confusing. He’s taking students in what was (and what still is I expect) his bedroom. The girl in front of me isn’t incredible, she’s been stagnating on the same piece for a while now and her attitude is incredibly annoying (all this high chair talk again).
I decided on today’s topic because frankly I’m pretty frightened of asking my Violin teacher to spend 45 minutes teaching me aural. I know it’s the right thing to do. I’ve gone ahead and burnt the boats not bringing my violin along. But still there’s this sort of anxiety, a crushing feeling of asking for something.
Maybe it’s hereditary, my dad isn’t the best with asking for favours. Maybe through all my 15 years with him it’s rubbed off onto me. Whatever the case it’s one of a number of social quirks that I realized I had. Most of the rest have gone away – I think. Well most of the anxiety of social conversation and niggling things that would piss me off on recollection have gone. Though this artifact remains. I don’t like asking things from others. Especially help. I reckon I’ve dug myself into this hole, my ego hole. Where I’m so fearful of asking for help in case it impinges on others views of me. I probably shouldn’t care about this. Everyone is too preoccupied on their own misgivings and facades to really care about what others do. But it still exists. And I don’t like it.
I think most of this fear comes from rejection, I’ve talked about social rejection elsewhere. But it really seems to have been a dictating factor for most of my early teens and perhaps even now. Whilst I feel like the social pandering and general caring too much about social things has worn off I sometimes feel as if it’s been replaced with something worse. An overt effort placed on repelling these things.
Maybe that’s where this bitterness and social regulation has come from, a concerted effort placed on avoiding this that used to malaise me so much. Either way, like the markets an equilibrium will eventually be achieved and I reckon all these things will stabilise… Eventually.