Fail often. Fail fast. That seems to be one of those new mantras for the new rich, for the new generation of entrepreneurs and budding silicon valley nerds.
I don’t like it, failing seems to leave this bitter taste in my mouth. I’ve passed up countless opportunities because I was scared of not doing well in them. I’ve missed Piano engagements because I was scared that I wouldn’t play well. I’ve missed sports competitions because I was terrified of losing. Even back in the day I would miss some chess congresses because I was daunted by the players and scared I would lose.
I’m not sure what my problem with losing is. I’ve heard all those things. I’ve been taught things like, after failing just look over yourself, wonder if your life has been compromised, any of your goals have been affected, or if it’s affected anyone you care about. If you can say no to all that, there’s no problem. Usually none of that is affected but I’ll still feel this sense of doom. The self-consciousness (I’d call it self consciousness) is probably a bit egotistical, caring about yourself and how your image appears but it’s always something that’s haunted me.
Maybe it’s resulted from some traumatic childhood experience. But to my knowledge I don’t believe I’ve had (m)any traumatic childhood experiences – mind if I was truly scared by a childhood experience I probably wouldn’t remember it – my mind would’ve blocked it off. Maybe it was what happened last year at China camp, with my week of hell, perhaps it’s that. But I feel like this thing had arisen far before that point. Maybe I need to do some psychological digging (magic mushrooms sometime?) or just buckle up and take it like a man either way I’ll have to find a way to address this one day.