Suicidal Tendancies

With all these exams over I’ve discovered a new level of…boredom? hours have been freed up with nothing to populate them, I suppose I’ll try to do some more piano but I’m totally not feeling it right now how great is that? not having to do things you don’t want to, I’ve missed being lazy) I reckon I’ll write a batch of posts today, I used up my last amnesty post and I’m a little scared that I’ll have a few days where I’ll sneak my phone up at 11 and type out a post as my eyes start failing, and I forget to post it, ruining my streak.

So the first of my batch (to be honest you won’t see the others for a while) is what I was meant to write about yesterday, my constant imaginings of what would happen if I jumped off things.

I’ve always had a fear of heights, rock climbing terrifies me, aerial courses make me a little sick and the Eiffel tower rendered me catatonic. I’ve realised there’s probably two reasons for this: 1 I’m scared I’ll drop my glasses and they’l fall and smash. I’m pretty much incapacitated without them and I always have this horrid idea of myself groping the bannister of the Eiffel tower trying to navigate the dangerous terrain.

Number 2 is my compulsion to jump of high objects. For some reason for most of my remembered life I’ve always had this compulsion to jump off high things. I used to be terrified to walk across bridges for fear in a moment of weakness I would jump off. On aerial assault courses, my body feels drawn towards jumping off the side without a harness. Now that I’m thinking about it, once on a climb, I was tempted to remove the safety buckle. I’m honestly not sure why this comes, I’m never usually suicidal, only in morbid jokes but this keeps happening and frankly it scares me. In a moment of lacking consciousness, or if I’m a little infirm of mind I think that I would probably jump off a bridge. It’s  a strange feeling, I do hope it goes away one day. It’s not a nice thought knowing that some part of your brain wants you to die, self-hate at its finest.


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