Candid Christmas Crackers

Blogging on Christmas day, who says bloggers have boring lives.

We’ve got some family friends staying over for the weekend and they’ve got the cutest little Asian kid, but that also means festivities have to end early, another family had to leave at 10 to let the baby sleep, so here I am at 11pm, alone, swilling stupidly expensive elder flower cordial and playing with some puzzle set that I haven’t touched in years.

Christmas seems like a time for pensive thinking, thinking about the year that’s just gone by, thinking about what my plans are for next year – or maybe that’s what you think about on new years eve.

Either way, I thought I’d talk about where I was last year, that’s pensive thinking, comparing myself to where I was a year ago, compare myself.

I was stuck in China, at some intensive competition for overseas asians. These kids were seriously talented, conservatoire musicians, prima dancers and child geniuses (Asian child geniuses, clever beyond clever). I had managed to smuggle myself in because my friends mother ran it and using my devilish charm I’d gotten smuggled in.

Now see I thought I was on a free 10 day holiday, turns out I was to compete, play the piano in front of a few hundred people and being recorded on national television. I had two days to prepare. Now I’m not even that good for Edinburgh. There were kids competing in dancing and knowledge who could play better than me.

I would love to say that I got on stage, played my little heart out and won. I didn’t. I dropped faster than a little boys heart when the star wars lightsaber shaped package turns out to be a cane with which he will be beaten. I eventually placed 27th out of 30th only because 2 people had played in the wrong key and the other guy had a panic attack. There’s a video of it on YouTube somewhere. I’m not sure I want to ever watch it. I started laughing during my performance and leaped off the stage at the end, apparently not the general practise of a formal performance.

That was on the 23rd, I had 6 days left after that, probably some of the best days of my life.

There’s some feeling when all your stresses are gone, if just had a veritable rock of gibralter thrown off my back. There wasn’t really any supervision, I was basically allowed to do whatever I wanted for a few days.

There were about 12 kids from the uk, 6 coming from Edinburgh, all of whom I knew pretty well, on the plane ride over it had pretty much been ascertained there were a core 4 of us cooler kids (see how fucked up I was a year ago?) me, my boy RayZay, JoJo and Lisa. Now Lisa was one of those hot Asians, out of all the Asians I’ve seen by now, there’s been about 5 hot ish Asians, she was one of them. I was pretty smitten with her on the first few days.

On our first night we four decided to all go into Jo and Lisa’s room (rubbish old fashioned Asian names because Chinese parents can’t name kids properly). That plan got scrapped because rayzays mum decided to check up on us at night and in the morning.

Like the young poon padawan that rayzay was he wanted to go over anyway, screw his mum, this delusional 13 year old was getting laid with a 17 year old. I, the cool headed one, convinced him not to, why do it once, only to be put on curfew, than to go every night from the next night. I was pretty proud of this one, I was a clever little dick back in the day.

Next night, we go over, we’re chatting to them (at the time I was 14, rz 13, Jo 16 and Lisa 17 – we were hitting it big) and its pretty apparent that we were going to stay over, me being the little lothario had blagged Lisa (I would later realise that I hadn’t actually managed to seduce a girl way out of my league).

Anyway we end up sleeping together, literally just sleeping. It was 3am and I was a scared little kid, anyway that was my first real-ish experience with a woman.

The next few days pass relatively uneventfully, we socialise, meet and greet. There somehow arises this running gag that I am in fact 12 years old, it’s a pretty good talking point and acts as an opener for a lot of a people to approach me. For some reason I was approached a lot, maybe it was my devilishly good looks (kidding), my theory was another social proof, if I was with older, better looking girls then there must be something I was doing right.

Well there was a few events, one in particular. There was a girl from London on the UK team, she was a kook, literally crazy, social sheltered and probably on the spectrum somewhere. She’d basically worked for her parents company since age 9, she didn’t really have a great childhood. Needless to say she was pretty damaged, bullied and ridiculed – plus her name was Mindy and she spoke “chingrish”. I was pretty darn into RSD in those days, that chauvinistic company that teaches people how to molest chicks, they have on instructor, Julien who specialises in destroying women. I’d watched enough of his material to want to try it out.

We were all out for dinner, all hundred of us kids and a few adults. Our team occupied a table, I say beside Lisa and thought I’d try and entertain her. (I truly was a misguided, wanton little boy) What happened next, pretty much disgusts me now and shows how truly twisted I was at the time. I get talking to Mindy, I try and convince her I like her, Lisa eggs me on, adding in little quips. Mindy opens up, starts telling us about her life, how she gets bullied, her aspirations, fears and life. I use every ounce of knowledge about socialising I’ve ever learnt on her, I listen intently, soft touches at key moments. It works pretty well, soon she’s pretty much putty in my hands. I again confess my love for her, acting a little vulnerable in order to mirror her feelings, that trick makes them empathise with you. She gets the bait, Lisa giggles in glee. I become her boyfriend, 20 minutes in. She confesses how I’m her first, how she’s never felt this way before, how she can trust me. I whisper romantic babble, how she can rely on me, I’ll always be there, she’s complete now. (this is pretty sick). Now I drop the Julien Blanc bomb. Now Julien is basically famous for his “negs” doing turds all over their self confidence, calling ’em dogs and curs.

First I start with public humiliation. I tell her to prove that she’s in love with me, she should say my name, loudly. She says it. “Louder.” Again a bit louder. “Louder.” Then again. “Louder.” she begins protesting, I ignore her, she wants my validation, her weak resistance will be upset by her need to placate me. After a few seconds of watching me chat to a hotter female, she wants my attention again. She says my name a little louder. Loud enough for people at surrounding tables to look a little. I would’ve stopped there, but Lisa was laughing, hard, touching my arm and smiling. Strange how I can practise game on one person then lose it for another. I continue. Ramping it up and up. Repeating my system. By the end she’s shouting. People at the surrounding tables are talking, looking smugly at me, she tells me it’s my turn. I merely murmur “Mindy” and turn around. She begins to protest, she expects me to repeat her steps, fool, for me to do that I would’ve had to first think her an equal.

Now that awful treatise brings me up to about the 25th last year, maybe I’ll finish this off, write my stories from the following few days, or maybe I’ll start something new, oh the wonder of owning a blog.

Oops posted this late by 8 minutes, my calendar is ruined for the second time this month.


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