Every Single Place

Things that happened in the care home today: I got scolded by an old woman, I fed another old woman grapes, I got attacked by an old woman, some man called George sat in his chair for 10 minutes looking at me, sad old man doesn’t want a main course.

This series of events can more or less describe my life right now, well they can’t really but wouldn’t it be great if my life could really be exemplified by all these events, would be brilliant if feeding old women grapes somehow corresponded to some real life events, that would be swell. I’ve realised I honestly have free reign to do just about anything in the home, I turned up half an hour late because I lost my sports kit and had to hike around Edinburgh to find it, then I tried to break a bed and vandalise a bus, no one cared, frankly people were just happy I managed to turn up at all. After that fiasco a few weeks ago when I saw an old man’s dong I’ve been trying to stay as far away from old men as much as I can (advice for life I say) so I spend more time talking to the old silver vixen (as opposed to silver foxes?) of the home. First up there’s this gal called, eh Petunia will fit, first she wants her damn fish pie, never go to a care home if you can avoid it, the food looks bucolic, I get her the fish pie, she complains there’s too much food, ungrateful. I laugh a little and she does that old woman thing where she grabs you arm and laughs, I run away.

There’s this old woman who’s 104, possibly the loveliest, funniest old pet I’ve ever met, she’s the woman who kept pestering me to give her more double cream. Anyway after dinner she tells me to lean in and says in a little voice “So what can you do for me?” I freak out, mother always said this would happen to a fit young boy in a nursing home, I’m halfway to calling child protection and suing this woman for some made up charge. “Ehm, what would you like?”


“Could I have some grapes please?”

I breath a sigh of relief and go on to find some fresh fruit in this facility, I find some tiny little ass grapes that seem coated in a sheen of dust, I pull them off the viney thing because for all I know she’ll try and eat it all at once. Being a great citizen I wash them off for her and thank God for saving me from this cruel fate.



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