Things To Do Whilst Dying

When the sickness hit I was telling people my chances of dying. Thursday was 20% it hurt but I was convinced I was healthy and I would burn it out pretty quickly. Friday the disease evolves and I move up to 40%. It’s Saturday now and my chances of making it through the weekend seem pretty low.

I suppose this is the post where I go over all my life’s sins and regrets as well as tell the world how I’ll improve as a person if God so grants me the gift of life after this. Unfortunately all I can think about right now is that scene from Prometheus where an alien baby bursts out my stomach and ends my life, that just about describes my predicament right now. At least after all this I’ll have lost some weight and finally be pretty. – sad humour I came up with this morning at 3am as I clutched my guts, died a little and listened to whatever Radio 4 plays at that time.

I’ve been angry about films before, I had that one thing about Joy a while ago, but this film actually makes me want to vomit (or may it’s the sickness). It’s called “What If” I thought maybe a romcom would make me feel better, wrong. This film actually made me so angry. It’s just less than two hours of Daniel Radcliffe getting friendzoned so hard I’m pretty sure his phallus shrunk so much it actually became a vagina, there came a point in the movie where euthanasia was probably a better choice for him than seeing that girl again.

He spends approximately 7 months trying to get with this girl, and every second is painful to watch, the things he does, the way he talks about it. It’s like a 4D lesson in psychological torture. I speak about it like I’ve finished it but I’m writing this midway through because it’s too painful to give it my full concentration. Even watching it makes me feel like I should hand in my man card and join a feminist studies course.

Update he just flew to Dublin from Toronto to meet her, I’m going to be sick. Then he flies back to Toronto to have lunch with her. I swear the director of this film wanted to simultaneously castrate every man who watches the film.


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