The Big Bad Wolf

Today’s post will be on fear. I’ve planned this out a little in my head and I reckon it’ll  be good (as opposed to the dirt trash that my usual posts comprise of).

Modern society is a construct, a fabrication and set of lies that we use to hide ourselves from the truth and what we fear – that’s what I learnt as I absentmindedly listened to Redbeard tonight.

Most of the things we do in life-  using our phones, watching our soap operas, getting into catty fights and even write darned blog posts – are just a distraction in order that we can forget what truly scares us. We hype up the trivial and publicise the mundane in order to have something, anything to talk and think about than what we truly fear.

Some people turn to hard drugs like cocaine and heroin in order to desensitise themselves from the world and the hard truths it brings. We rational people sneer and ridicule them for hiding and shirking away from what awaits them out in the real world yet who are we to talk as we surround ourselves with the opioids of the modern day.

What are we/I/you hiding from? I have no clue, there are times of lucidity like last weekend as my soul escaped through my boots, or during Struan or in the throes of my sickness where I perhaps glimpsed my true fears. I can’t really describe them for they are hidden deeply under layers and layers of insulation that hide them from me, they seem like things I don’t think I know of yet lurk under me. I had a talk with a friend about our fears, I named a few but at the time I realised that these were only the little, societally apporved fears.

One of them is definitely a fear of dying. I know I’ve been actively trying to hide myself from that one for years. For a period as a kid I would have terrifying thoughts about death, what came after and the finality of it all, it wasn’t really crippling then but there were times when I would just run downstairs and cry. I found a spare iPod and listened to it religiously every night so I wouldn’t have time to think for myself before I slept. I’ve been doing this for about 4 years now, trying to avoid whatever place my brain goes to when defences go down.

Apparently I’m not meant to fear it and go actively inside myself and discover these things and own them, make my fears my bitch. But I suppose it’s just so much easier to muffle them down with more carbs, more distractions and more excuses. Going into fear is what I need to work on, I reckon most people live their lives under the control of fear and if I can fix it (somehow?!) I’ll be able to win this little game of life. It’s like that quote that the black lady said. “When there is no enemy within, no nigga can’t do shit”



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