Like my dad I now spend all my time reminiscing about things that happened in my childhood – except for me they happened a few weeks ago and for him they happened more than a quarter century ago.
I remember one scene clearly enough: our school is like a bloody castle (well it was the inspiration for hogwarts) and we have some of our classes in these turrets, me and a friend are walking out one french classroom to go downstairs to our classrooms, we walk into this hallway and bump into two girls in our year. I can’t exactly remember what we did, I think I just stood awkwardly behind them and then someone called me out on it? The specifics don’t really matter all you have to know is that I drop the greatest line of this half of the century “oh sorry I get really anxious in front of girls.” They titter and run off talking about how much of a freak I am but me and my friend burst into hysterics.
Thursday I’m chillaxing with the brers (that hurt to type) and we meet this new person, I strike up a conversation partly because I feel like it’s my duty to bring in the new people to the group and partly because I was interested to see how I would do with someone totally new. It goes pretty well but I realise looking back that I dropped a hella load of disqualifiers, I basically sat there and told her I was a piece of shit in a funny self-deprecating way.
I tell almost everyone I meet that I have social anxiety, frankly I sometimes use it as an opener. Mostly people just laugh it off and say something nice about how I obviously don;t have social anxiety, and I’m pretty sure I don’t have it. Sure I get pretty freaked out before social events because I’m sure I’ll fuck up and I’m terrified of approaching someone I nebulously know but in general I’d say I’m not bad at the socials. I think I mainly say it to get the compliments. Like the cracked out insta-whore I’ve become addicted to this drip of self-confirming evidence I get from people just being nice.
Urgh really can’t be bothered with myself and my shit lol. I remember my goal a few months ago was to neuter myself of the need to get external validation and recently I reckon I’ve come into a trove of that. While it has been good I’ve become complacent and really need to get back on cutting myself off from this addiction. Perhaps I’ll inflame the masses again, lose all my friends and become a hermit who lives in a cave alone and content – then it really wouldn’t matter whether or not I had social anxiety.