Paralysed in… Fear?

As I looked back today on the bus back from Monte Carlo -it legit should be called Monte Shitlo because it’s crap as hell- anyway I seem to have all these weird revelations on busses, usually I’m half asleep and don’t really give a fuck about things because I’m stuck in this weird state between lucidness and a dream state. I think today I learnt that I really can’t be bothered being self conscious because that shit will ruin your life and there’s no point wasting your time on it.

I don’t really mean self consciousness like I’m scared about how I look, or my funny quirk like my uh awkward em things that people are self conscious about. Anyway it was about doing away with not caring what random people think about you. It really isn’t like a problem right now but just watching my dad is awful, the man would rather piss off his family than some randomer on the street. He’ll freak if you talk to loudly, didn’t want to call over the waiter for a second time and when I tried I swear he was gonna beat my ass.

The thing is like an impediment to his life and at fear of being too mean to dear old daddy it’s a horrifying thing for a 40 something year old man to have, to have lived so long and still care so much about trivial things when me at a third of his age am working on fixing it. Poor guy I reckon there’s some weird trauma in the past – or damn china just socially conditions people to be afraid of pissing others off.

Anyway that’ll be me trying for the next few days to not care what random French people who I will never see again think of me (I’m not sure how I’m gonna do it, maybe a cheeky strip in the middle of town or catcalling frenchies)

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