A few days ago I sat somewhere and watched someone talk, I can’t really remember what it was or who it was or why I was there but I remember one feeling – the temptation to just stand up and hurl abuse at the speaker, to shout about some crap and make a scene.
It’s coming back a little better now, it was a June day rehearsal, June day at our school is just all the kids standing outside on the lawn and singing the praises of a man who died 300 years ago. Anyway we’re standing on this lawn and listening to the boss man speak, in the middle of 1000 other kids I get the temptation to just start shouting about some something, I can feel the sensation of the words coming up and my vocal cords vibrating as I say the words and can imagine the sounds reverberating around the legions of kids.
I get this temptation quite a lot, just to start screaming in public places, to shout and make a scene. I’m not sure quite why, perhaps I have a lot of pent up rage that needs releasing by a lot of primal scream, perhaps it suggests I want all the attention or that I want to be persecuted by people.
Maybe it’s just some part of me trying to rebuke the ideas of social conditioning: to shut up and stand in your little allotted space and do what you’re meant to do and nothing else. Perhaps we’re living in some simulated computer program and I want to see what an unexpected input will do.
Stifled is the word that comes to mind and to me it has pretty negative connotations, maybe I’ll just have to go out into a field somewhere and just start screaming until I fix myself.