#291

Today a truly terrifying possibility hit me, what do I do next week? Exams for me finish this friday (tomorrow) culminating in the evil behemoth computing science. The exam board decided a few years ago to reboot the whole exam scottish exam system and streamline the experience, the wise sages decided to combine computing and information systems into the one subject: computing science. What were probably two of the harder subjects were combined into one ultra hard piece of shit.

I don’t actually think it’s terrible but because of the way I revise it gives me major anxiety. I do past papers in reverse order from the oldest up to the newest that means invariably dipping into the old system, for most courses it’s fine, the new course and old course differ by only a little and what you don’t know you quickly infer or pick up on. But this little shit. No. By combining both into one course they decided to strip out any depth that we have to learn so that results in me drowning in questions I feel out of my depth doing and for some reason think they’ll all be in the new exam system. So here be me sweltering under a mountain of notes that I don’t really need but will nevertheless learn or else suffer a panic attack.

Back to where I started this. After a month of staying at home and revising I feel as if I’ve only just got into the habit. I’ll go to bed 9:30 ish struggle until 11 against the demon that is insomnia and then wake up at 8 to be greeted by a luxurious butter coffee, then plonk my bottom down in the conservatory, put on music and begin writing notes. In a strange, sadomasochistic way I’ve come to enjoy it, I feel as if it’s an experience similar to Stockholm syndrome and I’m a little scared of rejoining the world of school and drama and *shudder* talking to people, this has been fun and perhaps may even be a growing experience for me. Or perhaps when I’m out of this quagmire of sadness I’ll realise just how much of a load of bollocks it was.

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