Self Imposed Failure

Today was the last school assembly of the year and a bunch of words were said by the teachers leaving this year, one quote stayed with me, on that is commonly attributed to Mandela I think but actually by Mary Anne Williamson (I think that’s her name) and its the one that our greatest fear is not that we are weak but that we are powerful beyond measure or something to that idea. (I really am making this up)

Today my English teacher jumps me before class and says I need to do my English talk sometime in the next two days. I realised I was screwed, after missing the first time for DofE and sickness I had expected I wouldn’t have to do it till next year and could spend the summer preparing.

Instead I was to do it tomorrow lunch time. Except I was busy tomorrow. I had to do it today. So I went round at break with a solid 20 minutes of mental preparation and a side of text I had listlessly copied from the Internet the week before.

Turns out I really had nothing to worry about, I smash it out the ballpark, apart from a few repeated phrases it goes remarkably well.

So here I am faced with this quote. I was stupidly afraid of this, afraid of my own capacity and that I wasn’t enough. I was underestimating my own abilities.

The whole idea of the quote is that we limit ourselves in our belief of what we can do and another way this has manifested itself in me is that I seem to be trying to give myself aspergers.

I seem loathe to go to social events anymore, I don’t really reply to anyone on text and call myself awkward and an introvert 24/7. I seem to be rejecting this group I’ve made for myself and wanting to lose it, maybe I feel as if I belong lonely and introverted and that’s what I need.

I’ve long been conflicted about the whole intro/extro argument. Am I really happier bring alone than in a group of friends? My actions like skipping a party to sit at home and watch prison break and eat popcorn seems to suggest that but on the other hand I do like chatting with the other kids. Whatever lol I’ll have the summer in my homeland to discover my true self 🙏

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