Freedom and Choice

So it turns out even in Communist china WordPress works, apparently free speech does exist in some form here. I’m 11 days in with 10 more to go and thought I’d write a post to keep you guys afloat and prove that I am still alive and breathing if a little brown and bordering on obesity.

The whole idea of this holiday was to go into myself (figuritively not literally) and discover what made me tick and uproot some old habits. I downloaded a bunch of philosophical books on the kindle (bhagavad gita, meditations by Marcus aurelius etc) in the hope I’d actually read them. I think in total I’ve read a solid 3 pages out of them. 
Though its not all doom and gloom, pissing around trying to avoid having to talk to myself I ran across an article about something or other Musahai, the most celebrated samurai of all time, I’d listened to an audiobook version of his book the five rings and it was mostly a piece of shit about how to sword fight but I was listening absentmindedly. Anyway I found a page on the 21 precepts of dokkodo and decided I was at least going to learn some life philosophy on this trip. 

I’ve scrawled done 18 of them (I missed a few pointless ones like “always follow the way” and “not looking to possess fiefs in your old age” because yeah I could only fit so many) onto a piece of paper I found at my grandfather’s house and I’ve been reading them religiously 3 times a day in order to keep me sane. 

My paternal grandparents are kooks, in the nicest way possible, they live in a tiny little city in the middle of nowhere and as a kid I hated it. Four years ago when I turned up I cried my eyes out because I couldn’t bear living in what I thought was a shack (it’s not the most pleasant place to live, there’s no real running hot water, a river of sewage by and yeah it’s not exactly the Western dream) but as Musahai decreed “be indifferent to where you live”) and I can honestly say I found myself enjoying it. Once I had stopped complaining about it (resentment and complaint are appropriate neither for yourself not others) and embraced that I was going to be here for a week whether I liked it or not (accept everything for what it is) and decided to have fun unlike mother who suffered quietly in a seething rage because she felt like she deserved better. 

I’m not going to lie, before this trip I hated my grandmother, she’s annoying and pushy. She’s relentless and frankly just painfully annoying. This time around I learned to love her. She’s altruistic to a fault wanting to give everything she has to you, after we told her we didn’t need to take a duvet she was offering she almost started crying and pushed it on us harder still, I don’t think my parents saw the love behind it and just saw an old woman forcing a raggedy duvet on them but it comes from a good part of them. God this is sounding awfully like I’m singing my own praises of how empathetic I am but dunno I’m kinda glad I’ve realised this and I do think this whole isolation and appreciation thing is making me better. 

I seem to have an innate desire to develop as a person now. Before I’d have to drag myself into a position of being proactive but now it comes naturally, I’ll frequently just mutter “this is getting fucking ridiculous” and then stop whatever it is in doing, I’ve deleted just about every distraction off my phone and leave it off most of the time, I’ll realize I’m making the wrong choice and just shut it down proactively. 

I think I’ve gotten to know myself better, I can tell most of the time where a feeling has arised from and why I feel this way. Watching my cousin just randomly fall into a foul mood and not being able to rectify it is terrifying when you realise she’s 34 because by then I’m expecting to be like a machine in control of my emotions. I think understanding yourself is stupid important and everyday distractions like your crack phone and television are taking you away from really getting to know yourself. 

I appreciate my parents a lot more, after watching a wedding and this blubbering man cry about everything his parents have given up and well yeah turns out I don’t appreciate the folks enough, so s/o to my dad for being a true og based fob and getting us out of commieland. 

Also the blubbering man taught me that yeah maybe I should take this pickup thing seriously. As red beard says “there’s only one thing worse than learning to pickup women, not learning to pickup women” so yeah I think I’ve kinda hinted at it for a while but I’ve been watching pickup videos for years now (RSD btw not the weird ass prank kiss things) because they are honestly life changing, without them I’d still be an idiot, be dumb as hell, not be confident enough to set up and run a blog and not do what I’m gonna do with this life. Everything I’ve done of any significance in the last few years and who I am is owed to Redbeard and his merry band. It’s not the women-hating crap that everyone says it is, more about life development turning sad meek men into boss pimps in every area of life. If you wanna criticise have a look one of their less pickup centered videos like “truth about success 1-4” or the “the power of isolation to find out who you truly are” (the last one has been seriously influential in the last week).

Anyway back to blubbering idiot wedding, got to say the guys wife is the baddest chick in the farming town and I reckon what happened was she was kind enough to eventually marry that chump that had been pursuing her for ages and he was so happy he accidently forgot how to be a man. When it came to the “you may now kiss the bride” bit he falters, awkwardly kisses her cheek and hugs her, crying that has lame ass was finally going to get laid. So yeah that’s not what I’m gonna be doing, freedom and choice is the only way for me. 

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