In the back of a taxi getting buffered by the stake Chinese air I finally found what I needed to find. I was thinking about my anniversary post on this blog and how I’d round it out, I was thinking of leaving a message for my future self who would inadvertantly come down here in order to check out what he was like as a teen, I think it’s a bloody nice time capsule to have for yourself and just remember what you were like back then. In case I do forget to include it in my last post, you’d better not be a vegan, be a turd, social justice warrior and be pretty successful because otherwise your 16 year old self would be pretty disappointed. I was thinking of course of my 30 year self but then I realized that in my final death throes I might look at this, what do I have to say to myself as I lay in bed dying? I thought about death and everything it entails, the end of experience, how me who seems all high and mighty now will eventually become nothing and pass away. That eventually somewhere down the line I die.
I wrote earlier about going into your boredum to find your deepest fears and I think I found it. I found out why we’re all addicted to something, anything to take our mind off the boredum that will eventually lead us through the invisible maze that hides our fears. It’s horrible to think about death and what happens after and I always get this weird sensation in brain not dissimilar to a really bad brain freeze as if my own body doesn’t want me going there but as a rule of thumb, whatever your unconscious wants is generally bad for your development as a human.
What do I do with this? I’m not sure, probably just hustle my ass off so when I do end up there I’ll be pretty happy with what I’ve done, but also realize that really life’s to short for all your weird shit and honestly the dokkodo is correct, there’s no place for complaint, resentment and regret and above all “do not fear death”.
On the other hand I might forget it all and go back to my epicurian ways as soon as I go back to school but at least I was enlightened for a few hours.
By the way on a happier note I’m back in Edinburgh from my 3 weeks of recuperating in the homeland so yeah looking forward to not sweating 24/7, speaking English again and not having to chuck toilet paper in a bucket ever again.