Leave and Eat Calzone

On the third day of work experience I was locked in the fish breeding room and forced to watch them copulate and remove their progeny from them, throw ’em back into a tank and then experiment ruthlessly on their unborn children. 

Honestly the next few days of this blog is going to be me talking about things that I’m thinking about currently and that will probably be boring to the rest of you so I totally won’t hate if you leave me (but click that like button first, I still need validation).
I don’t like goodbyes, never have, never will it seems like a way of just confirming that you’ll never see someone or do something again, that’s why I really don’t want to stop this blog. After I stopped duolingo i kinda missed just aimlessly pressing buttons and pretending I was learning French everyday, stopping this is going to be worse. Much as I hate to admit it I kinda like being a blogger, I get a place to put down all my thoughts and things I need to do and eventually when I’m older I can see just how strange of a kid I actually was. 

Though there is this worry that I don’t really put everything into this blog, just an image so you readers will think I’m cool and so when I do read this back I think I might think I’m a bit of a limp tissue without any depth so perhaps I’ll start a new blog where I actually talk unfiltered for nobody to hear but myself but then again if people find it then I’m doubly screwed. 

Last night I woke up, walked over to my desk, opened up a drawer, pulled open a pencil case and scrawled something onto my arm in the pitch black Scottish night. “rsd confidence” in my stupor I had decided to check it out because dunno maybe I’ve been feeling a little down on myself (not really but whatever) I woke up and downloaded the videos and listened to them on the bus to the hospital. 

I don’t really remember taking much from the videos except that you should roast yourself and not take yourself so seriously and yeah I just thought about how pathetic I am and how I hate myself and all that and had a good chuckle to myself on the bus. 

They have a lot of chat about being “in state” which is basically a whole lot of buzzwords like “congruency” and “high vibration energy” all lumped together and whilst I want to think it’s mumbo jumbo I’m starting to believe in it. Being in state as they describe it is all about being present and having this aura of energy surrounding you and changing the atmosphere of the room when you enter. It sounds like a total crock of horseshit but have you ever had it when someone enters a room, they could be really hot, cool or just at ease and you can feel the whole tempo change, people feel obliged to make a comment about them in order to address their insecurity compared to them and you feel a different hum of energy, that’s being “in state”.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever experienced state or ever will realize what it is but I feel like I am moving closer to whatever this strange thing is. I do feel more present, awake and happy. I crack jokes to myself in my head and the talking to myself is back, I also got really annoyed at myself last night for being angry so yeah keeping those LVE emotions in check. Plus I’m totally learning the whole personal magnetism thing, it’s hard to quantify but it’s just something you feel. ( you’re probably all wondering what kinda drugs I had in china to turn me into this spiritual woo woo and I can’t say but I like it, though I’m not sure my blog stats do)

Also buzzing cause the OP3 is probably arriving today. 

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