Mad Cow Disease

SOTD: Suntan – Huey Mack

I may have accidentally given myself PTSD yesterday. Since Jack had handled yesterday’s blog post I thought I’d explore my surrounding area in my spare time. I set off around 2pm in my black cotton nike shorts, galaxy ultraboost uncaged, that pluto tee I’m so in love with and a trusty bottle of San pellegrino. 

I thought I’d go check out this graffiti tunnel nearish where I live so yeah I went there. I live on the edge of the city do there’s this cycle path that I assume stretches across the whole outer ring of Edinburgh but who the fuck cycles the circumference of Edinburgh so it’s mostly overridden by weeds in one direction, naturally I chose to go this way. Never wear shorts when walking through a forest of nettles, my shins are partly destroyed right now but in my boyish innocence I pressed on. 

Now I really wanted to climb an electricity pylon. I can hear your screams of anguish and pain at the thought of your favourite blogger killing himself on a huge metal structure but nah wouldn’t happen, I climbed through a few fences, ripped my shorts and lost a few sperm in the process but whatever i eventually made it. Now the field with the electricity pylons is beside one with cows, I entered through the cow field, tiptoed in and found the pylon. 

In the dumbest moment of my life I tapped the pylon to see whether or not it would kill me, it didn’t. I then realised there was a cleverer way to do this, googled it and turns out as long as i don’t cross the barbed wires I’m fine. I spend a while just dickng around, singing and climbing the bottom layer but eventually decide to turn back (partly because I’d left my San pellegrino back on the path). 

Walking back into the cow field I think about how cool would it be if I got a picture with a cow. Smarter than I was before I check out on Google if cows are dangerous or not. Meh only 6 or so deaths a year. I start to approach and it all goes wrong. 

They all turn towards me, there’s about 9 of them, they all stand stoicly and dare me to stand the fuck down and not approach. I freeze, the cows approach. I bring up my phone and start filming. Apparently they don’t like paparazzi, they start trotting faster. I think about escape routes, the fence will probably end up in my destroyed legs before i get eaten by bovine so the only option is trying to close the gate to the pylon field. 

I start running towards the field. Sensing the raw human fear inside me they chase after like the primordial predators they truly are. I managed to pull the gate across and run towards the other side of the field as far away as possible from the bovine beasts. I realised they can no longer harm me so I start cussing at the idiots but they just sit there contemplating how they’ll grind my bones into their cud and that’s how I got that photo.

I walked off a little shaken but full of adrenaline and continued along my way but every now and then I’d think of what would’ve happened had those cows gotten me and shudder a little. Apparently a way of helping PTSD is to recount the story so here it is. 

And for those who call bull, here’s the clip before I started running: 


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