Sotd: up – nav
I’ve noticed I spell a vast mAjority of my words with a with a captitalised a just because it’s beside the shift key and this keyboard is tiny so it’s all just kinda fucked.
I’ve already done you the delight of a blog post today but I think I’ll do another, or ill hate this and bin it. That statement does seem a little superfluous because if you’re reading it I must’ve liked it enough to post it, maybe it’s a little side note for myself with a little jokey thing.
I’ve developed this sort of rational paranoia that is great fun. It’s not like an irrational thing where I can never settle it just more of a little vouce in my head saying “you’ll never get it like this” well that’s not exactly what it says because my brain doesn’t speak, rather its this strange feeling that I’m going to fail if I don’t do any work.
I used to be this big ball of arrogance because I thought I’d done enough work to do well. This helped a lot because I was more sure of myself but at times I didn’t do as much as I should’ve because I believed I was entitled and entitlement is not a good thing.
This new rational paranoia thing is like someone telling me that without putting in the work I won’t do well. When I do put in the work my confidence grows and returns to the same level, except this time I’ve guaranteed that I’ve done what I need to do.
It also makes me do things I wouldn’t have done before. The thing with fear is that it never really ends, I’m constantly trying to find new avenues so I don’t get swallowed by it so that’s great fun.
It probably isn’t the best idea to live your whole life in fear, anger or just any emotion in general but it has it’s uses, so hopefully I eventually grow out of it or else I’m going to die at 30 of a heart attack.