I think I go mad during exam periods. Or perhaps its an education in how some things seem clever at times but then plain idiotic at others. Last year I genuinely had a thought that I should stop the blog because I couldn’t afford to spend 10 minutes a day on a blog post which is ridiculous because I probably procrastinated 8 hours a day. Incidentally I did actually blog during that time because I think I must’ve realised I was being stupid.
Last night I had a nightmare that my mother somehow discovered my blog. Actually it wasn’t a somehow, she had checked out my etsy which has the link for the blog and pored over it. Then whilst I’m at school she blows up my phone with a few hundred calls before talking about how I’ve betrayed the family and everything. I then realize there’s more shit that happens and she gets to stuff about me going out and then more posts that keep coming and eventually she digs through years of deception and by the end of it I’m sure I’m dead.
I think what’s most terrifying about this situation is that it could happen so easily. I accidently leave it open on a computer or a family friend tells her and she just reads it all. She’s like that, obsessed over everything and would read all 500 posts in an afternoon before destroying me and that is something that terrifies me.
I don’t think I can ever tell her I have this because there’s no chance of redemption, she will read every post guaranteed and then I’m fucked.
So the dilemma I thought about this morning at 3am when I awoke in a cold sweat was “do I make the blog private” no one else could see it apart from me. I could bitch, whine and chat about anything that came to mind and no one would be none the wiser – especially my mother.
I don’t think I need to, but in the unfortunate instance she finds it I genuinely think I would die. It’s a weird thing but maybe I will have to do it eventually, or perhaps I’m just ring irrational again.