You Won’t Know Me

Sotd: straightjacket – quinn xcii. Not going to lie I haven’t liked a song this much in a while. Quinn was like the song of my summer but then I abandoned him because those days are over and yeah but I really like this, I’m on like the 12th play today and I still jam to it, I reckon I’ll last 2 more plays before I start hating this.

Let’s talk about anxiety. I wouldn’t really say I’m an anxious person but someone said something about me having anxiety the other day and it really stuck with me for some reason, am I an anxious person? Or perhaps I’m expected to be but honestly I don’t think I’m normally very anxious. Whatever the case I think I want to go into it because I think it’s all that will matter for the next week or so.

I have these prelim exams over the next week or so and honestly I don’t think there’s much use to them except to remind kids that last year was easy and we really need to work this year and wake people up but for some reason I’m scared that I’ll get an anxiety attack before each exam and choke harder than I ever have before.

Why do people choke? I choke a lot, I choked on saturday when my boss asked me to do a quick roleplay, I choked and forgot almost everything and maybe that’s why I got fired (well I didn’t actually get fired) but when it’s with a normal customer I’m just smashing it out of the ballpark.

Perhaps the truth lies in this statement that Redbeard and his crew have been obsessed with recently. Being the most engaged but the least attached and I think it’s something that I really need to cultivate. The whole idea is trying the hardest but giving the least fucks about the result. The only example I can think about right now is selling a damn phone. Being engaged is that you’re understanding the customer and just trying to sell as best as you can. Being the least detached is that when they put up the slightest objection not freaking out or if they don’t take it, not letting that ruin your day. This approach will probably result the best for you just because whilst you are doing it you are playing with the best and doing your best but if it doesn’t go well you’re unaffected and just rinse and repeat.

I think conversely not caring also makes you work better, I’ve written about it better but when there’s less stress you just perform better in every way.

I think a lot of it is my identity being tied to doing well in exams, I think  now I am also working on other things that I should be less absorbed in it and less outcome obsessed which should also help.

SO yeah, hope I don’t get a panic attack and die this week.



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