It Goes In

sotd: one man can change the world – big sean. Ironically sean isn’t that big and honestly I doubt that his real name is sean which is rather depressing on all fronts.

I’d say today has been quite the productive unproductive day. On one front I think I’ve don the least work I’ve ever done in a full day (not actually strictly true but less than my past self was hoping I would be doing on these days before prelims) but I’ve also done a lot of things that needed doing.

Actually maybe that isn’t it but I think I’ve come to terms with things that I needed to come to terms with, or I have for now. I did something I haven’t done in a while, I went on a lovely little walk played some loud ass music I liked and danced crazy but at least it was dark as hell so no one could see because that’s mortifying. I come across this river on my walk to the shops to get food and I remember I used to do this thing where I would force myself to jump across it in order to piss off my monkey mind and build up will power or some esoteric crap like that, I thought I’d do it again so I left my phone on the side of the bank and jumped over the river. Cool. That means whatever I’ve been doing for the last couple of months has been working. The cold showers, blog posts and all that is coming into fruition and I’m finally believing in myself or at least I’ve reined in the monkey mind.

Something else I found out on that walk is that I just need to think about these things, in all honesty I don’t really care how I do in these exams, not in a superficial way I talked about yesterday but in the sense that I literally have so many other things to fall back on I really don’t care. Ah but I do care and will still work for these, I still believe I can crush them and when it comes down to it, that’s all that matters.

I have english tomorrow and I was doing these past paper type things, the first set was on self-confidence, the second on mindfulness and the third on virtual reality and facebook being a dick. I think I’ve got the self confidence on pat for now, the river jumping confirmed that. Mindfulness is something I think I do actually do want to get into. I sat on a bin after my walk and just listened to the traffic for a bit and no it wasn’t this transitory experience I was hoping for but it made time stretch out for longer which is all that Kabat-Zinn promises so yeah.

Perhaps my future is VR? or I’ll get corrupted by money but who knows. I took out £200 cash at the shops because I needed to reimburse my mom and it was weird. I’m sure myself a year ago would’ve loved it but honestly it was kinda annoying trying to fit it all in my wallet (first world problems)

So I’ll finish up there and hopefully I’ll finally remember to blog about iskiate tomorrow.

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