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Sotd: ignition remix – whoever it’s by. Been humming this a lot today for some reason. 

First things first I didn’t realize but I reckon winter depression is actually a thing, maybe it’s some selection bias crap but I actually think the sun makes everyone happier. 

Next thing is a critique, focussing on the doing the most important thing first. A lot of those programs tell you to do what is most important first and that cuts down on your work time. I don’t do that rather to my detriment. I have this half hour bus ride home and I’ve spent most of it doing things I don’t need to do, a bit of Duolingo and sololearn because apparently I will need to learn basic coding one day. But I have this Mandarin speaking I need to memorise for Thursday and I haven’t even started, it’s just doing what needs to be done first. 

Whilst I would say I’m pretty good at doing that I still have issues. Like this etsy thing, I got closed down a few weeks ago and whilst I have made a few more I haven’t even bother checking them in ages. When people have heard they think I’m actually crazy, it’s literally like printing free money why don’t I do it? I’ve put all these random priorities in front of them when this is literally the most time sensitive thing I have to do. 

I will remake it one day, maybe this Saturday but who knows, I’m scared I’m becomming complacent with school and that probably is the top priority right now. 

Net Toillete

sotd: neverland – abstract. American Teen drops in a week, hype.

I was meant to get back to edinburgh at 10:30 last night, but due to extenuating circumstances (well they changed one of the brakes on a wheel, I just wanted to use a pretentious phrase) we didn’t get home until half one in the morning, I made the stupid decision to stay up until half past two for some reason ie youtube and now I’m regretting it because I have been dead for most of the day.

On the plane during the mad delay I tried to just fire out a few essays and personal statements, whilst they are written they’re not even coherent in the least. At the time of writing I was already sleep deprived and mentally battered so yeah really not good.

On the topic I thought I’d talk about thinking something through before you do it. After I found out about the physics decision, I sent this email which was semi scathing but veiled so it wasn’t totally awful. I reckon if I had phrased it differently I would be in deep shit.

So that’s the lesson, have a think and read over things the day after before sending them off because they’re probably complete shit like this blog post.

Mad Money

Sotd: manifest – russ. 

Day two of london, lowkey dead as hell. My bunk mate is a fucking retard and literally stayed up until 3 staring at a blank computer screen with all the lights in the hotel room on. 

So on 4 hours of sleep I thought it would be fun to actually fast today so breakfast was an americano and a cup of bone broth. 

Last night my friends mum invited some other friend who had a daughter that studied econ at Cambridge and that was actually quite illuminating getting to chat to someone who had been through it all and her recommendations. I have had opportunities like this before but I’ve never really engaged in them because I genuinely think it’s because I’d have to have my parents grilling every single utterance and facial expression as a way to divine what I’ll do with my life. 

Then today we had the day course about investment banking and what that actually entails. I think one thing I’m good at at these things is just being memorable and participating. There were like 200 people there and only about a dozen of us actually piped up to ask questions. 

One thing that got to me is how next level some people are. This one kid was 17 and genuinely a god, relating bunches of principles, had godly general knowledge of stats and everything and yeah it was kinda awe inspiring. I think it is humbly to just see so many other kids out there killing the game. 

My friend who I came with isn’t exactly the smartest cookie nor emotionally stable and has always wanted to be an investment banker (primarily because of that season in suits where mike Ross becomes one) just seems destroyed by the whole trip. After dinner him and his mother had a heart to heart about having realistic expectations and it was heartbreaking. 

There was a part about interview preparation where they talked about ” tell me when you failed” and yeah that was china camp for me where I was sorely under prepared and honestly contemplated suicide because I felt so inadequate. I would be loathe to say that after that experience I swore to never suck at anything again but maybe something to that effect. It’s horrible to have this notion that you aren’t good enough for anything and I think that might actually be the reason why I do what I do. 

Now aside from that blatant ego masturbation it was actually quite good and I finally actually enjoyed London for once which is a terrifying concept, I had thought it this city of posers and way too big but actually I did find it quite nice. 

Investment banking, for me? Maybe as a starting point. It has skills that are transferrable to almost anything but it does still have some of the tropes of the other professions like soaked in dogma, theory and this weird elitism thing but I dunno maybe I’ll keep at it. 

Still got another blog post to write then I reckon I’ll conk out and die tomorrow at school from sleep deprivation and depression. 

Spin Dream

Sotd: goosebumps – Travis scott- not my choice so don’t blame me if it’s trash. 

Hitting Landan town this weekend. The plane was meant to arrive at 12 ish and then we’d go to Camden market for shopping and mad good but then the flight got delayed by 2 hours so no good food and indy trash clothes. But apparently we have reservations at this mad dim sum place which should be awesome. 

I think part of the reason the I should bother working and that is for experiences and this is one, a pretty spontaneous trip to London for shopping eating and a bit of learning tomorrow. I’ll get into it later but I’m too lazy now. 

Update on the trip thing to sydney my school was actually retarded enough to give the places out by a random pick instead of selecting the two strongest candidates which actually hurts me inside that they could be so misguided and politically correct, expect an angry post in a few days about it. 

I found this summer one in Ontario that looks dope as hell, and its all subsidized so my total cost is only like less than £1000 including flights which is mad. I also have another choice of doing this global leaders camp for two weeks for double the price in some shitehole down south. But the problem is my parents. Mother and father are terrified that I might get shanked by someone and they literally have to follow me. Like last time for my carphone training they came down to Birmingham for the weekend just to make sure I got to my hotel safely and didn’t get lost in the train station and when I booked a different train home than my mother she almost had a melt down. 

I heard her calling her friend about if I went to a summer school in France or something she would have to come and just make sure I was okay which is terrifying. 

I think I would be okay going to Canada on my own, literally all I would need to do is change flights but I’m not surprised if my mother would want to come as well. The protectionism is annoying and honestly makes me feel like a retard and is annoying as hell but perhaps it is just my inflated teenage ego thinking I would be fine but who knows. Last time I had a meltdown when I found out she had to come to Birmingham with me. 

I think it might just be an only child thing with your parents paranoid about literally everything, whilst I do wish my parents would tone the fuck down its probably for fear I die and I get that but it’s just another irritating thing I hate.
Though I really shouldn’t be complaining, bout to have a bomb ass weekend trip and honestly I’m killing the game so yeah, positive thoughts only haha

Unhealthy Addictions

Sotd: dat stick – rich chigga. I think I’ve heard of the guy for aong time just never knew he had songs, or maybe that was timothy delghatto but whatever beat goes hard, young chigga goes harder. 

Emotions are addictive. That was something I’d heard a lot but never really thought about. We had a class on suicide which is pretty heavy for last period on a Friday when everyone’s buzzing for the weekend and or half dead from the last week of school. Not sure why I’m half dead, might be the terrible sleep and it probably is that. 

The ted talk we watched had this guy talking about people committing suicide and how they can’t think of anything else but he depressed – that’s probably a gross underestimation. Either way a state of mind has just become the norm for them and they can’t bear to change it. The same I think happens for everyone, some people choose to be depressed, others oppressed and some become winners. 

I’ve realized that recently I’ve become a complainer, it’s just what I’ve started doing. I think I’ve lot a lost of self belief I had because I’ve decided to rely on this crutch of lamenting instead of actually doing things and finding solutions. 

Our school recently told us about this opportunity to go to sydney for a summer camp for 2 weeks. It’s pretty damn cool and would be awesome to go. We first heard about this on Thursday, people were saying it was already closed to applicants and it was randomly chosen. By the way there are only two spots from our school to enter the regional selection stage

I spent a fair bit of Thursday cursing my school for doing this. Of course I knew applications hadn’t closed, only half the year had been told about it. 

Then today I signed up and my teacher kept saying it was “randomly selected” and I spent another half hours cursing this idiotic idea when I’d already been told it wasn’t random, why would it be? Surely they wouldn’t be dumb enough to randomly select someone to compete academically? Surely our sage teachers wouldn’t for the sake of equality screw everyone over. Right? 

I don’t know but I’ll find out in an hour or so to see what’s happened. I have this horrible sinking feeling. 

Back on the topic of being mad all the time I have this irrational hate for my physics teacher. After we got our physics papers back from our mock exams the day after she decides to change the marking scheme for only my paper and no one else’s and that infuriated me to no end, I still got a pretty good score and there’s no real reason to complain but I’ve still been fixated on it. 

So yeah. I’m addicted by being mad, hopefully I’ll find a way to shift my addiction to being happy or something more productive but who knows what’ll happen. 

Gonna just have a small freak out before violin starts to let out all this angst

Coconut Crush

sotd: american kid – khalid. AHHHHHHHH this song has actually infuriated and pleased me to no end. I’m pretty sure god has made a decision to never let the two of us unite. Firstly I have 20 pence less than the price of his new album on my itunes account and I can’t pay part in itunes and part in cash so I’ll have to drop the full amount which is depressing as hell. The other fun part is that the only UK concert the guy is doing is the day after I leave london which actually makes me want to cry. In other news I may go to see jon bellion though. The song itself is mega, if a little repetitive and preppy and life-goes-on-after-trump.

in other news I got my first real suit today. I’d rented before but never really owned a real one. I’d picked it up and it looked nice and fit pretty well. Then I remembered bespoke, that book about savile row tailors and realised it’s way better to buy a slightly worse suit and tailoring it to make it look dope. It wasn’t exactly cheap but mum fronted it because apparently it’s embarassing af if I bought my own first suit. Anyway got some old asian man to tailor it and jesus it cost more than I thought it would but to be fair he did literally change everything and the thing i so cool now. So yeah money well spent honestly.

Gonna end it because better things to do, ie a hot shower because need warm water because just had a haircut.

Mandem Crazy

Sotd: yours truly, Austin post – post malone. 

The last few nights I’ve gone to sleep listening to podcasts and tired out of my mind. Last night I thought I wouldn’t, I just wanted to actually think to myself because the last few days I’ve just been trying to drown myself in distractions. 

So in my death throes last night I thought about a few things, nothing I really remember just small things like this line “we just try and distract ourselves from ourselves.” I’ve been meaning to decide on a few things namely what to do with my life and weird other questions and I’ve just been ruining my life trying to avoid them. 

Not ruining like cutting myself honestly just not sleeping well which is hell right now. This is terribly disjointed and apparently some kids in my year showed one of my teachers my blog and I really don’t want to be put on suicide watch so yeah I’ll finish here.