sotd: whatever song was playing in store when I started writing this.
I think recently I think a lot of the people on my feed have been talking about death of the ego, there was ryan holiday at google and themosthatedmanintheworld made several videos on the death of that little guy inside you.
I honestly wouldn’t say that I don’t have that much of an ego currently, I used to have a huge one but after a few months of continuous roasting kinda shed that part of me. I would still say I have what people would call an “ego” but now it’s more of a confidence just because I have actually done everything I say I would and yeah so that wasn’t as bad.
Recently I’ve realised I’ve fucked myself. My eagerness to be someone who produces results instead of weird inner change but that does have its problems. It was all fine and dandy when it was just school tests and “competing” with others in my year, but now on higher stages compared to the rest of the world and my peers I realise that I will eventually start losing. I nowhere near as successful as others my age in areas I thought I was good at and when you start basing your self-worth on those things it comes back to bite you.
I should say that saying I place my whole self worth on those things is a little too much of an overstatement, I still have a basic level of self confidence I’ve cultivated and all that but the point still stands – losing sucks.
Will probably need to think things over this weekend and puzzle over some things but until then finishing up here to read some more watch some vain then go to bed.