Act My Age

Sotd: pursuit of happiness – kid cudi but the Steve aoki remix. 

So exams are finally over – thank fuck. Well for me they’d kinda been over for a week or so but I did actually have an exam I just never really thought about it. 

I’m sure I’ve lost a mark which is annoying because would’ve loved to get the hunnid in Chinese again. There is something about a one hundred over a 99% despite the tiny little difference it changes the whole meaning – and so begins the post I’d meant to write months ago but always seemed to put off because frankly I kept forgetting. 

I reckon I would’ve called it “the last two percent”. And its about how you really don’t need to be that much better than everyone else to stand out. I’m sure there’s hundreds of basketball players that are almost good enough to hit the nba but are missing one tiny little thing. The people paid the most only know a little more than those below them. I’d never really considered this until a friend mentioned that he’d missed out on being dux of the school by 4 cumulative marks – one in each subject. Being dux sets you up for a long time – it’s a crazy achievement. One immediately assumes that whoever wins it is above everyone else by leagues of ocean and air but all they really did was eek out another 1% in their exams and that was all the difference. 

There’s not much between the best and the okay. A lot less than people think and I think they just decide to not put that last bit in. But this is my little admission that you really don’t need to do much more – it’s just that 2% at the end that’s gets you to the top. 

Whether or Nether

Sotd: good life freestyle – Oliver. So it turns out khalid is kinda known by people so gotta move onto more obscure stuff. Lowkey kinda impressed that I predicted russ khalid and kinda jon bellion knowing up – but not really because I listened to them when they had millions of views – apart from khalid tbh. And he’s got a fire track out on Friday so pumped for that. 
So that’s English over. It went well I think, I think. Did what I could and yeah think it went well at least I didn’t get totally shafted. There were moments during the essay where I kinda considered what the hell I was doing and poetry I’ve either done real well in or fucked up. Whatever the matter its out of my mind and its time just sit around and relax. Well not really time to grind for the best in Scotlands a few applications and whatnot. What was so terrifying about English was that it wasn’t something that was really in your control – you could kill revision and still get shafted. With the sciences and honestly most other things in life preparation will get you anywhere and thank God for that. Ending here to appreciate the dulcet tones of cloud rap and just chill and hope I’m not too autistic to keep working at carphone warehouse. 

Fear of Flight

Sotd: lambourghini tears – Marc goone forever going to be my favourite song. 

This is worrying. Once biology finished I gave myself the greenlight to just fuck around eat whatever I wanted stay up however late and do literally nothing all day. But then I also have an exam on Wednesday – I’m pretty sure I can ace it – I’m pretty sure but then again I did a past paper yesterday and it was kinda a struggle which is kinda worrying. Having literally done no work for it all year it really could come back and bite me so I really do need to start revising. 

But having lost the momentum it does feel like being caught in a tailspin, unable to control trajectory and your own actions. Honestly I am just being a little bitch nothing a good cold shower and week of phone abstinence won’t sort but it is worrying how 3 days of gluttony can nearly topple a year of forward momentum. It has been nice to just chill for a bit but I think I went too far – or maybe I just started a little early – stop believing the hype and actually care about this Mandarin exam. 

Heavy Motor

sotd: boomerang – huey mack. I’ve never really heard this song before despite it apparently being in my library and now I’ve switched music players a bunch of stuff I’d never hear before is on it. It was kinda good until young huey¬†started rapping and that was awful.

I had a weird little thought as I walked to the store to buy food this morning. What drives you? Not in a weird esoteric way but in like  a what do I actually want to do.

In all honesty I do think that maybe I just enjoy being right, that I just try to be right whenever I can and that I just want to prove that. Or maybe it’s all a sham and I just want to get really rich and fuck the whole world.

But then again it’s literally next to impossible to get to like truly rich, so I probably will have to find some esoteric goal like happiness or life fulfillment or something like that because it’s just a little unfeasible.

To be fair all I’ve really done in the last few days is be kinda scared about fucking up chinese and watching Geordie Shore. It’s well funny likes to watch these kids and yeah I’m kinda just waiting for this soup to get thicker because right now it’s the consistency of water and that’s not what I want to be eating.

I promise one day I might actually be okay at writing blogs again – hopefully. But then I make a lot of promises and it’s not often I actually fulfil them.

What You Need

Sotd: pursuit of happiness – Steve aoki version. Totally cringe but whatever my blog my rules. 

Last night before I went to bed I thought I’d read a little just to chill out before my exam. So I broke out homo deus which surprisingly isn’t actually gay fanfiction but this guy’s idea of what the future of humanity is from a scientific standpoint. Chapter two is about happiness and how everything is in the pursuit of happiness and avoidance of being uncomfortable. This flashed me back to old me. I haven’t changed much I just haven’t thought much about the ideas. I think my old view about it was always being happy -that I should be happy constantly and experience life in the moment or something like that. And that worked definitely did I remember I used to laugh all the time and just be carefree but that’s what I was – carefree I didn’t really do anything I was just kinda to stick in my own bubble to actually want to do anything. 

But what is the point of doing anything in the end? Why bother achieve anything if you can sit around smoking and feeling happy. Or perhaps happiness isn’t really anything but biological control and we should strive for something other – something greater. 

I’m not saying fuck happiness frankly I’m not sure what I’m saying but I think it’s something to do with being able to live without it, to real use that we shouldn’t I’ve in elation – that’s not to say depression but just to live with ourselves without the need for emotions to cloud our perceptions. 

See that still isn’t it – that sounds too much like an automaton. 

Maybe it’s about being able to embrace lack of happiness and realize that there’s a time for it – the goal isn’t to be happy all the time but to feel the right emotions at the right time – to be happy when happy and to disregard it when it isn’t useful. 
Still an imperfect explanation but it’ll do for now. 

Miracle Decade

Motd: glengarry glen ross. Always a strange thing when as soon as you get into work your boss sits you down and forces you to watch a clip of a film but yeah it was cool this guy screaming at people for not being good enough salespeople. Inspirational in that strange pessimisstic way that I like where you’re a failure if you don’t put in the work. 

So I thought I’d talk about this post I saw on Elliot hulses instagram. I think Elliot has a monster body that is basically the human ideal but wouldn’t want it because it suits the race and it just wouldn’t work on asians. 

It’s a letter he wrote a decade ago about where he’d written down these goals and just found it again and it was crazy cool. 

Maybe that’s what this is for me, an electronic version of that, a testament of everything I’ve done. Something to look back on and think shit I did that. 

I remember red beard once commented on how little changes over time amass and it’ll be interesting how maybe at the two year anniversary I crack out the first post and see what’s changed – that’s why I made this initially I think to be a catalyst for change and we’ll see if it’s worked. 

An idea that’s been bouncing around a little too much is the idea of me seeing a therapist maybe once and just seeing what it’s like – I think it would be interesting to just spill everything but then again that could end up stretching it to to multiple sessions and I still don’t have that kinda cash

So Yeah

Sotd: around your heart – witt lowry. It is weird what I listen to before and after exams before was like witty, Oliver and dance but I’ve moved into that weird shit that kids in urban outfitters listen to. 

I really thought I was going to revise Chinese today but ended up on a 3 hour geordie shore binge honestly I understand now when people complain that they just can’t bring themselves to revise it’s easy to just say one more hit that button and get sucked in and in all honesty I fucking hate Geordie shore it’s an awful tv show but billions is just pissing me off because the rich people aren’t winning and yeah that hurts me. 

An idea that keeps coming back is how much to put on your plate and free time. There’s enough shit to do in this world that you’d literally never have any free time. You could fill in your days with creating businesses, learning languages, creating music and discovering the secrets of the universe. But somewhere along the line you’d decide how much you actually want to do. How much of your time is occupied doing nothing and how much is spent on doing things. I think that is what will eventually define you how much free time you end up giving yourself because honestly there’s no limit to things to do. 

This is kinda disjointed but it kinda relates to revising. I was complaining about not having any more material to revise for physics but that was just because I didn’t even consider doing some shit, had I considered it instead of sitting around moping I could’ve been crushing out sums. Maybe it’s heat stroke but uncle Jeff I had a saying in the day “see through the muddy water on to the other side” this really has no relevence but I really need to start watching those vids again.