Egoic Enemy

sotd: whatever song was playing in store when I started writing this.

I think recently I think a lot of the people on my feed have been talking about death of the ego, there was ryan holiday at google and themosthatedmanintheworld made several videos on the death of that little guy inside you.

I honestly wouldn’t say that I don’t have that much of an ego currently, I used to have a huge one but after a few months of continuous roasting kinda shed that part of me. I would still say I have what people would call an “ego” but now it’s more of a confidence just because I have actually done everything I say I would and yeah so that wasn’t as bad.

Recently I’ve realised I’ve fucked myself. My eagerness to be someone who produces results instead of weird inner change but that does have its problems. It was all fine and dandy when it was just school tests and “competing” with others in my year, but now on higher stages compared to the rest of the world and my peers I realise that I will eventually start losing. I nowhere near as successful as others my age in areas I thought I was good at and when you start basing your self-worth on those things it comes back to bite you.

I should say that saying I place my whole self worth on those things is a little too much of an overstatement, I still have a basic level of self confidence I’ve cultivated and all that but the point still stands – losing sucks.

Will probably need to think things over this weekend and puzzle over some things but until then finishing up here to read some more watch some vain then go to bed.

Night keds.

Raining and Pouring 

Sotd: angels (carnage remix) straight flames. I haven’t really listened to edm in a while and I’ve forgotten that it was actually quite good and not some bassy drivel they play at Friday weights. 

“When it rains it pours” is probably the wrong proverb for what I’m writing about today but it kinda relates. We all have shit periods, where nothing seems to go right and all you can do is just sit there and hope it gets better. I think that is the key just trust in some process and hope it gets better in the end. 

For sure you can’t just quit and hope the bad times to away because they won’t – there’s no reason to but then eventually it all just falls through and you get rewarded immeasurably. 

I suppose this applies to me, after a month or so of absolutely eating the shit at physics I think it’s over. Well I did get 28% in a physics exam and that’s a travesty and a half but whatever. (I should say that the pass mark is probably around 20% and that kinda justifies it but not really). I got an email in school today from a summer school in the Czech Republic, for a week or so last month I’d tried to apply to one summer thing every day and that had eventually led to a little summer school in a small town near Prague. I think it’s kinda prestigious and I would check but my internets broken so that’s a definite no. 

Also got a killer reference for the one in Ontario and I’m liking my chances. 

The one downside is if I do get into Ontario I would have to choose between four different summer schools to go to and that’s gonna be a hard one. Though I suppose it is a pretty good problem to have. 

+ an interview for a week long business course this week which I’m sure I’ll crush. 

Things are looking up

Smack Down Valley

Sotd: ahh yeahh – oliver. Most fire. 

Joe rogan jesus christ. Been listening to him more than usual just because he’s had fire guests. This week was Dan pena and nothing has ever made me want to throw my phone in a gutter than this one. 

Dan pena is basically the biggest badass in the world, he’s like 85 and still smashes it out and is literally incredible. I’ve heard a podcast with him before about business and it was awesome and this was potentially a 3 hour version of this. It isnt. Well to be honest maybe I’m judging a little too hard but it’s just the man talking about hunting and fighting and all the other tropes that Joe talks about all day. I think I used to like all his old ones but recently it’s become played out. 

The same thing happened with Justin escalona. Back in the summer when I was still in china trying to avoid the Internet I spent my only hour or so a day with the Internet watching daily docs. It was just so cool watching the kid grow up and hang out at university. 

I think the two have different problems that aren’t the same but I suppose similar. Joe is just someone who once heard that what he did about being himself and having opinions was cool, that has now become played out and nasty frankly. Justin decided that being himself wasn’t enough and aspired to be better and lost his original shine. 

The actual point to all this I suppose is that the reason they both now have gone downhill is because they don’t listen to criticism. They box themselves up and fail to listen to anyone else convinced they have it correct. The point of this post is that I need to get better at listening to criticism and needed all this stuff to get to the point. 

High Flying Planes

Sotd: no faith in Brooklyn – last song I heard and yeah I used to like it a lot so there. 

I’m sure the title comes from a noel gallagher song or something that I’ve never listened to but I’ve seen a few times. The actual point of this blog is about higher planes of thinking. It’s weird to explain and frankly I don’t even understand it myself but the idea is that we don’t know that we don’t know what we don’t know – triple darkness as ETs mum says. 

I’m listening to some show with a guy called Jordan Peterson who is supposedly a genius in Joe Rogan. I should say I hate Joe as a presenter, talks way too much and says the same thing every time but this guy is cool. They’re discussing schools of thought about American universities or something and I’m thinking about it and I’m sure there’s a way to sum it up, to encapsulated all the ideas succinctly but it’s always on the tip of my tongue and I just can’t say it its like my brain just can’t even fathom it but I know there’s something there. 

Doing that physics paper I felt like I knew the answer but my brain couldn’t physically gather all the ideas floating around and output them in a way I could understand them. I physically couldn’t have come up with an answer even if I wanted to. 

So that’s today’s post, I need to figure out how to think better, the answers probably nutrition and meditation and eventually I’ll need to fix one of them but today is not the day (or is that a closed mindset?) 

You do You

sotd: used to this – future/drake Always did like this song, it’s been in my youtube mix a few times but i’ve never remembered to put it in here until young man levi bent-lee put it on his instagram. Before anything else I’m not really a fan of new daily docs so the bent-lee family have replaced young escalona.

Listening to one of those podcasts by the most hated man in the world and he’s talking about being happy. After being ripped apart by most of the world’s media it’s not hard to see why he’s talking about this subject, his main idea is that as kids we are shamed about doing things, after that we try and reject that part of ourselves for the rest of our lives and that stops us from ever being happy.

Not to go back into that weird woo-woo shit that I was doing last summer but I thought it was a cool idea. I know for myself my parents aren’t exactly the most outgoing people and whenever I was being exuberant I would get shut down by them and I think that’s the reason why I’m still kinda weird when it comes to being extroverted.

As a total tangent to the start of this I read this thing on instagram about how people who are bilingual literally have two personalities and I reckon that’s pretty accurate. Partly due to the fact I sound like an old woman when I speak chinese and only really speak it in front of my parents or other old asian people and english is what I use with my friends or just out and about. Kinda too lazy to write more plus another blog post and an english essay to write so finishing here YA DIG

No Real Jobs

sotd: vainglory evil 8 because I’ve watched that more than I have listened to music so yeah.

The premise for this post is the idea that I don’t really consider my job a real job.

It’s not really hard to see why. I work 8 hours a week which is almost nothing. It’s sales so I just chat to people all day and I get to talk about things I like – phones. Even getting the job wasn’t really like getting a job. I applied in the summer on a whim (well forcing myself to stop being a bitch, there’s a blog post about it if you’re eager enough to look for it)

I’ve talked before about how going to work is like a test of how my week has gone (just as cold showers are a test of how my day has gone) and if I feel like I had a good week I usually have a good day in store. There’s just this awesome feeling when you’re crushing it in store and doing mad good sales pitches.

The problems of not really considering it a job is that I don’t feel this need to work overtime. Like usually after store closes we need like half an hour to just sort shite out and I always try leaving when my contract says it ends. It’s something that irritates my boss and something I need to fix. Otherwise I don’t feel this need to try that hard, I’ve given up tonnes of opportunities and I don’t really treat it like a job, once I’m off shift I don’t even try to work on it and like selling insurance which is a big part of the job I don’t even bother trying with.

Gonna finish here, things to do, people to see, strawberries to eat.

Sunday Musings

Sotd: pop style – drake. 

I do realize this wasn’t written on a Sunday but it’s about Sundays so yeah.on my phone I’ve got this app called Todoist that tells me what to do everyday. Every Sunday I have this little thing that says “go over goals”. It’s one of those the secret things where you look at what you want and manifest it into the world. I think it’s very cool and I reckon I’m doing pretty well in all areas but wealth. 

Except today. Today was the physics olympiad which is like a physics exam on steroids. It’s designed so that only 7% of the people who sit it are able to get over 70% and most people are expected to fail. 

There’s two reasons why I kinda cared about this. Firstly I want to do something to do with physics in university so this would be good confirmation. Actually I lied there’s three reasons. Second is the fact that getting a gold award gets you a prize in our school, one of the aforementioned goals is to get 5 prizes and I think I’m on 4, doing well in this gets me the last one I need. Thirdly since I did well last year there’s this strange expectation. 

Just finished it and Jesus Christ. I’d done past papers and they were nothing like the real thing, that’s a total lie but I mean in terms of not being able to peek at the answers for reassurance or unlimited time. 

I fucked it I’m pretty sure. 

I think this has taught me 2 things. 

Firstly mindset is everything. I’ve always said that being in a good state of mind before an exam is literally the only key, I haven’t really believed it because I’d never really had an exam where I was off kilter. This one was different. I was angry, confused and tired today and there are things I knew that I just couldn’t bring to mind because I wasn’t in the right mind. 

Secondly I need to place less precedence on doing well on exams, sure it serves me now but in the future that won’t be the case and if I don’t cut those ties I’ll literally end up killing myself. 

Thirdly (sorry I lied) I need to look over those goals more, make them my guiding principles. I haven’t read them properly in a while and yeah perhaps that is a reason why I’m not doing everything I can to fulfill them so yeah that needs to change. 

Long ass rambly post today but it’s kinda cathartic so whatever bye.